January 7, 2000

Just before Christmas, I heard Mel coming unglued while listening to a morning talk show.

"You ain’t gonna b’lieve whut this silly doctor is tellin’ that perky little Katie Couric. He’s tryin’ his durndest to convince her an’ the American public that they oughta eliminate meat an’ dairy products from school lunches. Says at the vury least, they oughta give kids some ‘alternatives.’ Now you tell me jist whut in the world a fellar would substitute fer meat, an’ milk, an’ cheese...’em acorns an’ wild berries, jist won’t cut it!" he snapped."Guess ’at bag o’ wind would have ’em eatin’ tree bark like Ewell Gibbons."

"Who is he supposed to be, anyhow?" I inquired.

"Claims to be a medical doctor and a nutritionist, but he looks awful runty to me. Maybe his strategy is to cut ever’body else down to his size by starvin’ ’em to death. All you gotta do is listen to him an’ you’ll figger out purdy quick that his brand o’ nutrition’ll cause severe brain damage," my agitated husband droned on.

Suddenly Mel yelped, "Did you hear that? Now this crazy fool is accusin’ the meat an’ dairy industries of bein’ special innerest groups that have loaded up the government’s panel on nutrition for school lunch programs to the detriment of our childurn. ’At lyin’ dawg! Makes my blood boil. If it wudn’t fer the cowman, the hawg an’ poultry producers, an’ the people that raises sheep an’ goats an’ milks cows, the American people wud be spendin’ all thur time tryin’ to figger out whur the next meal wuz comin’ from. Right now, they got so many choices, thur biggest dilemma is decidin’ what to fix or which restaurant to eat at."

Mel ranted on for a spell. "The vury idey of that clabberhead tryin’ to make the case that farmers an’ ranchers is a powerful special innerest group that tells the gub’ment whut to feed school kids is laughable. If we had that kinda clout, I can thank of anuther thang or two I’d be tellin’ the gub’ment to do...an’ we’d be demandin’ a heckuva lot more money for our goods. The only special innerest farmers and ranchers have is doin’ a good job of puttin’ food on people’s tables an’ tryin’ to survive doin’ it.

"Thanks to farmers, school kids got grains an’ fresh fruits an’ vegetables to go along with their proteins, like meat an’ dairy products, peanuts an such."

"What kind of alternatives for meat and dairy products is this so-called doctor proposing?" I asked.

"Hasn’t said, he’s so busy spreadin’ his propoganda. More’n likely, he’s one ’nem animal rights activists. He don’t want folks eatin’ meat or drankin’ milk yet he’d prob’ly have a fit if we wuz to be out there foragin’ an’ competin’ with all the animals for food he thanks is acceptable. People with that kiney mindset wud set us back a hunnerd years," he said.

"If he had his way, we’d all be hunters and gatherers again," I added.