February 4, 2000

"What in the world are you up to now?" I inquired of my husband, who was peeping over the tops of two grocery sacks, running over with rolls of duct tape.

"Decided I’d better stock up," Mel grunted.

I probed around in the sacks.

"Melvin Ross, you must have 50 or 60 rolls here! You lost your marbles? Just what do you plan to do with all this duct tape?"

"Don’t wanna be caught short’s all."

"If you don’t beat all. You pooh-poohed all the people that were storing up food and water and other stuff for Y2K and now you’re hoarding duct tape. What’s the deal? Just what makes you think there’s going to be a shortage of duct tape, anyhow?"

"Where you been, girl? Don’t you know duct tape’s the latest rage with teenagers? Thur puttin’ duct tape on ever’thang. It’s a reg’lar fashion statement."

I guess I lead a sheltered life because I hadn’t noticed.

"Who says?"

"Why it’s been on the radio and television...kids buyin’ up all the duct tape they can git thur hands on...drivin’ thur parents crazy. They covered thur books an’ belts, billfolds an’ purses in duct tape. One fellar was complainin’ that his boy totally taped over his jeans with it. I don’t know why he’s got a gripe. Looks to me like duct tape is a whole lot more practical an’ less expensive than tatoos an’ rangs in thur ears, an’ eyebrows an’ tongues an’ whurever else thur puttin’ ’em. An’ you don’t have to carry it through life as a permanent reminder of sump’n dumb you did as a kid. To me, it don’t look all that bad, neither. Why, the other day I seen a girl wearin’ one ’nem spiked dawg collars, like you used to see on bulldogs. Can you b’lieve it? If you ask me, the duct tape craze is the first sensible thang to come around in a long time."

I couldn’t help but smirk. Mel’s been usin’ duct tape every way possible for as long as I can remember. Some of you may recall that he resoled his house slippers with duct tape. There’s duct tape on every hoe handle and outside faucet. He put strip after strip of duct tape—one on top of the other—to reinforce the corners of his tarp. He uses duct tape to seal boxes, to cover worn places on hoses, for grips on his fishing rods, and to seal cracks here and there. When he needs a sign, he cuts strips of duct tape, spells out his letters, spray paints over them, and then peels them off. Once, when our dog broke his leg, Mel fixed him up a splint using a stick and duct tape. And if it hadn’t been for duct tape, our truck, Ol’ Green, wouldn’t have had any chrome left on it at all!

Mel is a firm believer in duct tape. He has so much faith in it, he covered his worn-out Bible with it. Yep, duct tape is the silver lining in any cloud that comes his way.

"Just think. It took these kids all these years to discover what you’ve known all along about the wonders of duct tape," I said, patting his arm.