February 18, 2000

"I got this revolutionary idey I been workin’ on. Gonna change the cow bid’ness a hunnerd an’ eighty degrees," Mel announced.

"Oh really?" I groaned. "Let’s hear it."

"It’s a cow chip..."

"I think the cows already thought of that one," I said.

"Not that kind of cow chip. I mean one nem computer-type chips," Mel explained. "I got to thankin’, here we are in the 21st century an’ we still got 20th century cows. If we’re gonna keep up with other bid’ness segments, us cowmen’s gotta start thankin’ outside the box. Gotta thank progressive."

That was an amusing statement, coming from my husband, who might actually benefit by thinking inside the box once in a while.

"Well, you know thur already puttin’ chips in the cows’ ears for identification an’ to track all thur comins’ an’ goins’ from the gate to the plate. An’ I commend ’em fer that, but I’d take it a step farther. I’d program ’at cow to behave like I wanted her to."

"You mean, like a Stepford cow?" I remarked.

"Sump’n like ’at," he said, looking up in time to catch me smirking. "Go ahead an’ laugh if you want to, you an’ that flat Earth bunch...but it really ain’t all that far fetched. It’s a technology whose time has come. Just thank, if you could insert a li’l computer-of-a-thang in her ear an’ you could program her to stay in a certain parameter, wudn’t be no need fer a fence. Thank how much time an’ money that’d save."

"The animal rights people would probably say it’s unethical and would be protesting every step of the way," I told him. "I can see the headlines now, "Brainwashed Bovines in Bondage"... "Mindless Cattle Misled"..."Control Freaks Steer Cattle Wrong..."

"I’ll work on a computer chip fer them next," he muttered. Then Mel resumed his speech. "Jist thank, you could program your herd to select what grass to eat an’ how much. Program ’em to rotate...program ’em to come to the barn when you needed to work ’em an’ to load up in the trailer when you needed to haul ’em. No more hotshots, ropes an’ wild cowboys, head chutes, or tranquilizer guns. An’ no more broke arms, sprained ankles, an’ stomped toes. It’d essentially be a one man show....Jist thank how beneficial it’d be fer keepin’ bulls from roamin’, gittin’ cows to nurse orphan calves, an’ keepin’ steers on a weight gain schedule. It’d make sortin’ an weanin’ a piece o’ cake. To tell you the truth, I’m surprised somebody hasn’t already thought of it."

"Sounds pretty good," I agreed, "but wouldn’t it be expensive?"

"Not when you thank about all the labor, time, an’ paraphernalia you’d be eliminatin’. If it wuz used industry wide, the chips wud prob’ly git down purdy cheap. You cud start up a company, go public an’ sell stock in it...I’m tellin’ you, this thang’s got some potential. It’s the wave of the future."

"Only thing is this idea could be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands," I said.

"How so?" Mel asked.