March 17, 2000

After years of debunking cell phones and complaining about the people who use them, Mel finally broke down and got one.

"I see you’ve joined the ranks of all those ‘little’ people who tote a cell phone around to make them look important," I commented, drawing from one of my husband’s old lines.

"I simply don’t understand it," I continued. "People got along just fine without cell phones all these years. Why is it everybody and their dogs think they need one now?"

I smirked and waited for his response, which wasn’t long in coming.

"If yore gonna do bid’ness in this world nowadays, you got to have a cell phone. I don’t like it one li’l bit, but it’s a necessary evil," Mel growled.

"So you’re saying, ‘If you can’t lick ’em join ’em?’"

"Sump’n like ’at," he murmured.

"You know, it really does make you look like a bigshot," I said.

I could tell I was getting under his skin, and saw no reason to stop.

"Next thing you know, you’ll be chatting on your mobile phone and swerving all over the road like a drunk behind the wheel."

"Accordin’ to you, I already drive like a drunk," he replied. "But jist fer yore infermation, I don’t plan on tawkin’ while I’m drivin.’ If it rangs, I’ll pull over an’ stop."

"Good way to get rear-ended," I said.

"It won’t be rangin’ all that much anyhow, ’cause I’m gonna be vury selective about who I let have my number. I ain’t givin’ it out to ever’ Tom, Dick, an’ Harry. Jist my important contacts, the kids, an’ a few relatives."

"You know, some states are trying to ban cell phones in cars because they say they are hazardous. And some restaurants, theaters, and other businesses are even beginning to stop folks from bringing them inside because they create such a disturbance."

"That’s ’cause some folks ain’t got the good sense to know when it’s appropriate to have a phone with you an’ when it’s not. No common courtesy. Like ’at knucklehead who got a phone call during the State of the Union message...an’ the phone that rang durin’ that pro football player’s funeral a few weeks ago."

"I heard that a guy’s phone rang during a recent stage performance by the actor, Kevin Spacey, an’ Spacey looked into the audience and said, ‘Tell them we’re busy.’ That really takes the cake," I said.

"If you don’t abuse it, the mobile phone really ain’t a bad idey. I git six hunnerd free long distance minutes a month, so it’ll easily pay fer itself on that basis alone," he said.

"They’d have to pay ME to carry one of those annoying things around with me. I have absolutely no use for one. Worse than a leash. Don’t want anyone keeping tabs on me and don’t need all those silly looks when it goes off in the grocery line...By the way," I said, eyeing the phone. "Why did you get such a dinky one?"