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September 7, 2001

There is no typical day on the farm, but this one comes about as close as any I can recall...

"Some days it don't pay to git up," Mel grumbled, slamming the door behind him.

"Wouldn't the cows cooperate?"

"Didn't work no cows," my husband grunted. "Didn't git that far..."

"Why not?"

"Well, it's like this, I got halfway to the barn in Ol' Green when I saw whur the deer had tore a hole in the fence. I got out to fix it an' stepped in a burrow. Twisted my ankle an' fell."

"That's awful!"

"Wasn't so bad. While I was on the ground, I found my good pocket knife. Musta dropped it when I was workin' that stretch before. I hobbled back to my truck an' started workin' it over with my whit rock. That's when I saw 'at number 54 heifer wigglin' her way through the hole in the fence an' motionin' for her buddies to follow."

"Oh dear."

"I cranked up Ol' Green, shot through the gate an' circled around to head off ' at hussy. In the meantime, she'd let herself back in, so I figgered I'd better patch the hole good. Then here come 'at new city slicker neighbor from down the road. 'At guy can't tell the front of a cow from the back o' one, much less the difference 'tween her an a bull. Needs to stick with kitty cats an' puppy dawgs. Anyhow, after wastin' an hour o' my valuable time, he said, `Ain't that a nail in your tahr?' Shore 'nuff, it wuz. Nat'cherly, when I pulled it out, it started losin' air. Thought I could git to the Gap before it went flat, but I ended up havin' to put on my spare.

"Anyhow, while I wuz changin' the tahr, here come Laddie an' he'd been rattlesnake bit," my husband continued. "So I loaded at dawg up an' took him to the vet in Clifton. Anyhow, when the vet started to give him a shot, that's when I suddenly remembered them calves was penned and I'd run off an' left my vaccinatin' stuff in the refrigerator. I left Lad for the night an' jumped back in the truck fer home. Got a coupla miles outta town, an' run outta gas. Forgot I'd used what little dab o' gas I had in my gas can in the lawnmower. So I started walkin' back toward town with my can when I fellar pullin' a horse trailer happened by an' offered me a ride. Went about a hunnerd yards an' had a blowout on the trailer. The man had a broke fanger, so I changed the flat. By the time we got to the gas station, I was give plumb out."

"Poor baby, why didn't you call me to come get you?"

"I would have, but the UPS guy was going right back by whur I left Ol' Green, so I bummed a ride. Actually, he had a parcel for me. The tractor place sent the wrong part.

"Meanwhile, I broke a crown on my tooth chompin' down on a chunk o' ice. Lucky I didn't swaller it," Mel sighed. "Like I said, some days it don't pay to git outta bed."

"Lucky for you, you won't have that problem tomorrow because you're going to be up all night tonight cooking," I said.

Mel's eyebrows dipped. "Why's 'at?"

"'Cause you didn't shut the door all the way to on the freezer when you raided the Blue Bell last night and all the meat's thawed."