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My father was hospitalized recently and our family spent a number of days in the waiting room. Mel was getting a little weary and hungry, so I suggested he go down to the snack bar and get something to hold him until dinner.
Thirty minutes later, he stomped back into the room and plunged himself into a chair.
"Some people got thur gall!" he blurted, eyeballs bulging.
"What's wrong?"
"Ah bought me a package o' cheese crackers an' a sody pop an' got to lookin' aroun' for a table. It wuz crowded, an' Ah wound up at a li'l corner table 'bout as big as a TV tray. No sooner'd Ah set down, here come a big burly guy, tatooed from head to toe, a suckin' on a over-size drank, an' plopped down in the cheer beside me..."
Mel's eyebrows bristled. "Didn't mahnd sharin' the space, but when Ah opened th' package o' crackers there layin' on the table, this jerk reached over an' got him one without eben askin'."
"Maybe he was hungry, too," I shrugged.
"Hmmmp," Mel grunted. " Well, you know a place lahk 'at is prime fer people watchin', an' b'lieve me, jist when you thank you've seen ever'thang, in walks a woman a'bout his size with black fan-gernails an' toenails an' pierced ever possible place you kin thank uv, an' she sets down on his lap. Next thang you know, he picks up the crackers an' offers her one."
"What did you do?"
"Nuttin'. You thank Ah'm crazy? 'Em two weirdos wuz big nuff they cudda drug me off in an alley an' you'd never seen ner heard from me agin."
Mel was really getting worked up, reliving the incident. I knew the long hours of sitting were taking their toll on him, and he was beginning to get the restlessness associated with cabin fever. He stood up and paced back and forth as he told his story.
"Ah didn't thank it wuz wise to challenge 'em, so Ah jist quiet-like reached down an' sneaked me anuther cheese cracker an' took a big swig uv mah Dr Pepper to warsh it down. Wud you b'lieve that hairy ape uva fellar hepped hisself to another cheese cracker, jist lahk they wuz his?"
Knowing my husband's temperament, it must have been all he could do to restrain himself.
"Ah wuz so mad, Ah jist kiney set thur an' fumed a minute. Fin'ly, Ah cudn't take it no more. Ah got in that fellar's face an' said 'Ah s'pose yore gonna eat that last cracker!?!' He glared at me lahk he wuz a darin' me to stop him, said 'Yep," an' jist reached raht over, got that cracker and chomped it down."
"What did you do then?"
"Decided Ah'd be better off comin' back down here rather than causin' a ruckus in the hospital."
"Honey, I'm proud of you," I said. "Here's a hunting magazine. Why don't you sit down, read awhile, and cool off."
Imagine the look on Mel's face when he reached in his pocket for his reading glasses and pulled out HIS package of cheese crackers.
