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Every time my husband refuses to take my advice, he ends up in trouble.
During the holidays, Mel went to town and bought himself some new Levi jeans. Later that evening, he walked into the bathroom, jeans in hand, and said, "Would you lookey here? 'Em lamebrains left one nem anti-theft doohickeys on mah 501s."
I watched as Mel began twisting and tugging at the plastic device.
"Don't do that! You'll have to take them back and let them remove it. It takes a special tool," I cautioned.
Later, I could hear him in the utility room, ransacking drawers in search of his pliers.
"If 'at don't beat the devil an' Tom Walker!" he barked. "That thang wuz full o' ink!"
"Yes, and I can see that it is black ink from the big spot on the jeans and down the front of your dress shirt.
Mel's jaw dropped. He eyed the inkspot on the band of his shirt.
"Datgummit," he whined. "This here's mah favorite blue dress shirt."
"Reminds me of the time you decided to change out the crankshaft on the truck in a three-piece suit..."
My husband glared, and his ink-splattered nostrils flared. "Ah'm takin' these pants raht straight back over there, an' givin' 'em a piece o' mah mahnd. This is plumb ridiculous. Who woulda guessed some fool filled it full o' ink?"
Mel stormed out the door waving the jeans and mumbling. I heard the tires squeal and he was on his way.
Soon, he came waltzing in the back door with a sack in his hand, looking like the cat that ate the canary.
Mel proceeded to explain how he went back to the cashier and told his sad story, which he had to end up repeating to her floor supervisor, and finally, to the store manager.
"Ah kiney felt sawry for 'at li'l ol' gal that sold 'em to me. She'd only worked thur fer two weeks. She wuz vury apologetic, but then this ol' battle ax over her come up an' started hasslin' me. She tried to pin the blame on me. She said `This wouldn't have happened if you had brought the pants back and let us remove it for you...'"
"I tried to tell you that..."
Mel continued, "Ah said, `Ma'am, it never occurred to me it had ink in it. Ah thought it was electronic an' Ah could save me an' you both some trouble if Ah removed it mahself.'
"She looked down her nose at me an' said it was designed to keep shoplifters from makin' off with th' merchandise. Ah said it wuz sawry or it woulda stopped me. So in reality, the idey ain't to stop shopliftin', it's to ruin what gits stole. Anyhow, guess Ah wuz gittin' a li'l loud at the register, 'cause the store manager come over an' run her off. He wuz a mahty sensible, vury nice fellar."
"What you got in your sack?"
"He replaced the jeans an' said Ah could pick out any shirt Ah wanted. Ah figgered we could git the ink out of the shirt Ah have on, so Ah picked out this nice $40 sweater instead. Smart, eh?" he said, stroking the sweater. "By the way, reckon what'll git the ink out o' mah shirt?"
"A pair of scissors."
